I WYZ N LUV W A VAMPYRE
by LoudButStillQuiteDeadly
Summary: The first chapter is a spoof. The second chapter is a crackfic. Enjoy. T for lots of epic wrist slitting. CRACK/TROLLFIC
1. Chapter 1

**dis is liek mi frst ff evar, so dunt maek fun of mu.**

hi mi naem is byootee goffik darkns raven blaknss dark. i am so goffik. i have lang blak strait hair purpl eyes an wite skin /w big bosbs. i hate ppl. o btw im a vampir. i drnk blud and slt my rists bcuz i am so beutful an goffik. i lik all emo bands an hat mily cirus.

i hav a sistr namd midnite darkns hat dark. shes lik me but she had eys lik red roobies. we wer lonrs an hatd ppl. she ws a vmpire to. we drnk blood an lovd berger kng.

one day at skool wen i smokd pot in th bathrom at lunch ths guy cam up to me. he wus lik 'byotee gofik dsrkns rven blaknss dark i lov u so much mor thn tht prep jessca i wuz dayten.' i wus shoked. it wus mike noddon! wt a prep.

so i was lik "eww ur a nasty prp go be prppy /w jecscia." an mik wus sltittn his rists prepply cuz he was so sd. but he new i had a boyfren, th hawt, smexxi, gorjuss, sensitv ewdard culln.

so i wnt to go fine him an we made ott in th caftria an ppl watchd ewif jelusy.. alis an rolasmari wtchd suicidaly bcuz they werre secrtely lebsians an in luv wiff me. jaspar an emmet ran waya and trid to kil me bt edaward savd me. then the bell ring an we went to clas but we skipd. i ws wearin fishnets, a blak crosetm, sppiky boots, an no pant.

edwad, alice, romsaely, jaspra, emmet, me an mik (i tryd to ttell him to leav but edwad was lik 'no i like thrensomes' so mik stayd) went t hot topnic an bot loyts of cloths.

"hi u must b byootee." it wus harry pottr!

"yah lol that's me" i sad sxlliy. thn i was nockd ott!

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**lol sorry 4 clffy. haha i see yo son!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Not as many reviews as I'd like... maybe, I dunno, TWO? Wtf is that about? :( I think I'm going to turn this from a trollfic into a crack fic. Let's see how it goes. The stress of purposely mispelling crap is making me crazy.**

The heroine, whose name I have forgotten but was surely quite goffik nd sxy and suicidal, was knocked unconscious. By what, I do not know. I didn't plan it, after all... The point is, she woke up in a ditch dressed like a hooker- NO, WAIT! Those were her normal clothes. My mistake. Anyways. She woke up in a ditch with some severe bruising and the feeling that she just got raped quite roughly by a vampire named LIEK ZOMG SO SPRKLY LURRRRVE or something of that nature. She was craving Enchiladas. So she went and got one, ate it like a ravenous goffik pig, and went to the hospital to see if she was pregnant.

"dood lik am i prgnwant?" she said very goffikly.

"I am afraid so," the doctor said. "After all, look at how fat you've gotten!" He poked her belly with a stick.

"YO PPL ONLY WNT ME 4 MI BODY!" screamed the heroine. Speaking of which, she went out and purchased many packs of cigerettes and bottles of beer to drink and smoke her unwanted rape baby away.

The doctor was very pissed. She ran off without paying her bill! He took his preppy flamethrower and chased her around the gas station until her vampire boyfriend came and ate him.

"Hello, heroine," said Edward. He seems to have forgotten her name as well... hmmm... "OMG UR PRENGART!" He squeed and creamed himself and ran to go change his pants.

"ya im gonna nam it rape baby," said the heroine, who had ran out of cigerettes and alchohol.

"Wait, if you're a vampire, how did you get pregnant?" Edward was back from the bathroom.

"idk jus go wif it r the story = ROOIND!" the heroine demanded in an abusive way. Edward sighed and 'GOED WIF IT'.

"Let's go tell my mom," he grumbled. He picked up the PREGNNT heroine and went home. "MOM MY GIRLFRIEND GOT KNOCKED UP AND SHE'S NAMING IT RAPE BABY!"

"That's nice sweetie." Esme was cleaning and cooking and staying in the kitchen like a good little woman.

"_Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl. Ees a GOOD lil Esme!_" Carlisle praised. He scratched Esme behind her ear and touseled her hair. Then he threw a beach ball at her. "GO MAKE MEH DINNER," he demanded. He turned to Edward and the heroine. "What's this I hear about rape babies? We have to have a baby shower! SQUEEEE!"

Rosalie ran down the stairs like a phsychotic vampire model. "OMG YOU HAVE A BABY! NOW I TOTALLY RESPECT YOU AND DON'T WANT TO DO YOU!" Alice ran downstairs and squeed with her.

"NOW I'M TOTALLY NOT A LECVISIAN!" she screamed.

"YAI! BUT THA WOLD HAV BEEN OK CUZ EDARWAD LIKES BI GIRLS." The heroine was clearly delusional, and she just wanted to get with them.

"Um, are you feeling okay, dear?" Edward said, frowning and feeling her forehead. Alice and Rosalie were making out in an attempt to turn Edward on.

"SILY EDWASDRD VMPIRES DONT GET SICK" the heroine screamed.

"Or pregnant..." he grumbled.

"WUT?" The heroine's loud roars seemed to have destroyed her hearing.

"Nothing, love. Nothing at all." He smiled charmingly just as Emmett and Jasper bounded down the stairs to see Alice and Rosalie making out. They conferenced for a while, and decided to make out with each other as an attempt to make them jealous.

"I have to go plan a baby shower," Carlisle muttered. He stormed off to plan it by himself and sucidially slit his wrists.

"U ONLI EWANT ME 4 MI BODY!" the heroine demanded again. She ran to Carlisle and made out with him, joining him with the slitting of the wrists. When they were done, they smoked pot and sniffed paint thinner.

This routine went on for three FREAKING months until the baby was born premature. BUT IS OK CUZ DSEHE WUS A CVMPYRE! Of course the baby wasn't retarded, stillborn, or ugly, especially due to the use of alchohol, tobacco, drugs, and construction equipment.

The heroine was wheeled into an emergency room to have her baby. When the doctor told her to spread her legs for him, she cried and siduucialy slit her wrists.

"WI DO PPL WTNT ME 4 MI BODI?"


End file.
